Thursday, November 13, 2008

One Month And Two Weeks

One month and two weeks ago today we lost a part of our hearts. So many people have been affected by this. Me, Tommy, Brayden, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends will forever be in pain over this. Everyone has their own relationship with him and their own memories of the anticipation of his arrival. He was a blessing to everyone even tough he never lived outside of me. I have been struggling everyday to just exist. I know I have to, so I do. I have people that depend on me, and I would never let them down. I can go one day without having a breakdown and I think- OK I'm gonna be OK, then I fall apart all over again. I have been told that this is normal so I deal with it. I know people don't mean to say things to me that are hurtful but I hear from a lot of people " well, you can always have another one" I know I could but that doesn't change the fact that I still want Noah here with me. Or they say" at least you didn't get to know him and get attached" Um.... I DID know him, I carried him with me everywhere I went for almost 10 months. I felt him kick and flip and I knew that he didn't like it when I laid on my left side because he would kick and wiggle around until I turned over. He went on canoe trips with us, to the movies, swimming, shopping, everywhere I went he went and we always made him a part of the experience. So actually I did get attached to him from the very first minute I knew about him. Maybe it was better for Brayden because he really didn't understand, but for me it is not better. Some days I feel like maybe I should go to a support group or see a therapist, but then again I feel like I have my own built in support group with my family and friends. I have met some really great women online that share my experience and they have been my life line although I have never met any of them. I feel that if God brought me to it, he will bring me through it. Everyday is a battle that sometimes I think I'm going to lose but I'm trying and that is all that can be expected of me. As I have said before It is hard to survive with out part of your soul. Losing my Mom last year was hard and I didn't know how to go on with out one of my best friends, but I did, I didn't like it but I did. I learned that when I wanted to talk to her I just had to talk out loud instead of over the phone or in person. I had to have faith that she was always with me and that she could hear me. It was hard but this is so much harder. I have never experienced this much pain before in my life. I take comfort in the fact that Noah is with my mom. They are both waiting for me and I will live my life so that I can be with them again one day. So overall I am coping the best way I know how. I am a different person than I was before and everyone will have to get to know me all over again.

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