In less than a week we will be celebrating Noah's first birthday. I have heard that the days leading up to the year marks are harder than the actual day itself. I am hoping that is true because this week has been really hard on me. I was ok when there was still a month to go and three weeks to go but as the day gets closer I am really losing it. I have spent this entire morning looking at his book and holding his blanket and just trying really hard to remember the way he smelled and felt when I held him. I have had a lot of anger over different things in the past few months and I am trying to deal with that. It is hard to watch good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Brayden started school so I am home alone a lot again and that makes me mad too because I shouldn't be alone. I should be chasing around a beautiful little almost one year old but all I get to do is sit and look at his pictures and wonder what he would look like and what new things he would be doing at this stage. Life is not fair and that is a lesson that I learned all too well. I just have to trust that God knows what he is doing and that I will be with Noah again one day. I feel as though everyone has moved on and thinks that I have too but the truth is that it still feels like it just happened and it hasn't really gotten any better. I fully rely on God and the other angel mommies that I have met because they know that there is no moving on and there is no amount of time that will make this pain go away. As for the question that I get asked all too often: when are we going to try again? Well I still don't have an answer for that. If I could have a 100 percent guarantee that things would go OK I would already be pregnant but until I get that(which I know I never will) I don't think I can take that chance. I couldn't survive this twice, I am barely surviving it this time.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Well we made it through the first Christmas without Noah, I don't like saying without him because he is here always. I see him and feel him in everything I do. I got lots of wonderful gifts to remind me of him. My grandmother made me two very beautiful pillows with Noah's and Brayden's picture on them. My sister actually gave me the pillows but I have to give credit where credit is due so I guess I'll say it was a joint effort! I love them. I got a bracelet that says " I do believe in Angels" from my mother in law as well as a light that says "you will always have an angel to watch over you" I also got angel earrings and charms with the birthstones of my two little men! I love all the things I got and was so happy that people thought to give me such wonderful gifts to help me remember and honor him. I will say that I have become a master at hiding the way I am really feeling and have become good at putting on a happy face when I really don't feel happy. I made it through all the parties and stuff with out too much of a breakdown but it wasn't easy. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day, this was the first time since the day after the funeral that Tommy cried. I don't know why but that made the visit even harder for me. I guess I was just used to him being the Strong one. I cried of course, I always do. All I kept thinking about was how it just seemed so wrong that we had to make a trip to the cemetery part of our Christmas. Then it came time for the New Year. I have a hard time with the month marks because with every one I feel farther away from the last time I got to hold him and to think that now I was going to have to say September of last year..... however a friend of mine told me that I should not think of it as one more day, week, month or year farther away from him. I need to think of it as one more day, week, month or year closer to when I will get to see him again. I am truly hoping that 2009 will be a much better year than 2008 was. It was bitter sweet, because although he is not actually here I still get to say that I have two of the most beautiful boys ever!