Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Almost a year....

In less than a week we will be celebrating Noah's first birthday. I have heard that the days leading up to the year marks are harder than the actual day itself. I am hoping that is true because this week has been really hard on me. I was ok when there was still a month to go and three weeks to go but as the day gets closer I am really losing it. I have spent this entire morning looking at his book and holding his blanket and just trying really hard to remember the way he smelled and felt when I held him. I have had a lot of anger over different things in the past few months and I am trying to deal with that. It is hard to watch good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Brayden started school so I am home alone a lot again and that makes me mad too because I shouldn't be alone. I should be chasing around a beautiful little almost one year old but all I get to do is sit and look at his pictures and wonder what he would look like and what new things he would be doing at this stage. Life is not fair and that is a lesson that I learned all too well. I just have to trust that God knows what he is doing and that I will be with Noah again one day. I feel as though everyone has moved on and thinks that I have too but the truth is that it still feels like it just happened and it hasn't really gotten any better. I fully rely on God and the other angel mommies that I have met because they know that there is no moving on and there is no amount of time that will make this pain go away. As for the question that I get asked all too often: when are we going to try again? Well I still don't have an answer for that. If I could have a 100 percent guarantee that things would go OK I would already be pregnant but until I get that(which I know I never will) I don't think I can take that chance. I couldn't survive this twice, I am barely surviving it this time.

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