Monday, January 5, 2009

First Christmas

Well we made it through the first Christmas without Noah, I don't like saying without him because he is here always. I see him and feel him in everything I do. I got lots of wonderful gifts to remind me of him. My grandmother made me two very beautiful pillows with Noah's and Brayden's picture on them. My sister actually gave me the pillows but I have to give credit where credit is due so I guess I'll say it was a joint effort! I love them. I got a bracelet that says " I do believe in Angels" from my mother in law as well as a light that says "you will always have an angel to watch over you" I also got angel earrings and charms with the birthstones of my two little men! I love all the things I got and was so happy that people thought to give me such wonderful gifts to help me remember and honor him. I will say that I have become a master at hiding the way I am really feeling and have become good at putting on a happy face when I really don't feel happy. I made it through all the parties and stuff with out too much of a breakdown but it wasn't easy. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day, this was the first time since the day after the funeral that Tommy cried. I don't know why but that made the visit even harder for me. I guess I was just used to him being the Strong one. I cried of course, I always do. All I kept thinking about was how it just seemed so wrong that we had to make a trip to the cemetery part of our Christmas. Then it came time for the New Year. I have a hard time with the month marks because with every one I feel farther away from the last time I got to hold him and to think that now I was going to have to say September of last year..... however a friend of mine told me that I should not think of it as one more day, week, month or year farther away from him. I need to think of it as one more day, week, month or year closer to when I will get to see him again. I am truly hoping that 2009 will be a much better year than 2008 was. It was bitter sweet, because although he is not actually here I still get to say that I have two of the most beautiful boys ever!

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